SO, i'm going in tomorrow for a uterus clean out. i hope all goes well but it's at this point in the game where i begin to freak out and think about just how compromising a position i will be in and start to review my plans of death with the mister. he knows these plans all to well, so i'm informing you of the same death wishes because when it comes down to it, he'll probably need all the help he can get.
1. avoid my mother and DON'T LOOK HER IN THE EYES. i'm not kidding. the mister will agree that if you do, you have failed. she will without a doubt try to ruin my own funeral by preparing it the way she will want it. and that means tabernacle choir, lots of crying and my worst fear.... a VIEWING. that and mormon food. yuck.
2. NO VIEWING. i above all mean serious business on this one. i refuse, refuse, refuse. if you have to have something, get the best looking picture of me you can find (there aren't many) and put that up. done.
3. no one give talks. i don't want people speaking about how great i was, blah blah blah. if you must have someone speak, it can only be joel mchale as the speaker. and since there is a slim to none chance of that happening i'm pretty safe to assume it won't. just have a party okay. with yummy nourishing food. and fun 80's pop/synth/goth music. a party with lots of smiles. enough said.
4. i will not have a coffin or be embalmed. save your money and put me in a ruck sack, then dig a really big hole and throw me in it. if you feel guilty about the throwing me in thing, you can plant a tree on top to make you feel better. i just want to decompose in peace, please.
5. no crying. no crying. no crying.
okay, so that's about it. if for some reason i don't make it, and you don't follow these few simple requests i WILL find you in heaven and demand why you just had to look in my mother's eyes. seriously, it's creepy what she can pull off when you do.
and finally, in true desmond style "i'll see you in another life, brother."
