SO, i'm feeling anxious. antsy. i hate it when i feel like this and it seems to be a lot lately. it's almost like i'm waiting for something absolutely awful to happen yet nothing does. it is driving me crazy.
speaking of driving me crazy my ibs is driving me to the brink of madness. i'm dying tonight and i have no way of relief. which i would gladly beg for if it would do ANYTHING. sigh. I'M. DYING.
oh, and my kids are driving me bonkers as well. i don't know how i'm going to survive the summer. the mister and i have spent the majority of the night sorting puzzles and then putting them together to figure out what pieces are missing etc. why are we doing this? because we are stupid. we are number coding them and putting them into bags to get them organized and i don't have the heart to tell the mister that this will most likely not work. that my children will ultimately find a way to mess it up. like they always do. okay, enough about children.
one more thing about children, it was totally endearing when wesley would constantly demand for cuddles. not so much anymore. if he demands one more cuddle, i swear....
buffy the vampire slayer is one of the most awesome movies EVER made. duh!
it's funny that when i'm at my most low, reading the ensign can always bring peace. maybe not happiness, but peace. i love that about the gospel. i just now need to find the courage to make my way in the gospel and not be afraid of what other people think of me. because logically i know people aren't thinking about me, but in my head i wish i could just disappear into the background and not be noticed. if i could go a whole church session without having to be recognized or talked to i would be okay. which i guess defeats the whole purpose of the gospel plan. we aren't here to be all alone. we are here to help strengthen one another. i wish i was strong enough to be one of those amazing women in my ward. i know i come across as selfish or not caring. that's not how i am though, i desperately want to be there helping. i'm working on not being so afraid. it just seems to be taking so very long.
my family is having a reunion in two weeks. i'm not going but i am glad that they can spend some time together. it makes me sad though that no one (except my dad and one of my sister-in-laws) has said anything to me. it's been a hard decision to remove myself from my family. something i would have never done if Heavenly Father hadn't told me i needed to do that. i've always wanted to have a mom. i have a mom but not in the way that i need. she hates wesley's hair. she won't tell me that but she complained endlessly to my dad about just how much she hates it. when i talk with her, it's all about the weather. yeah, that's the kind of relationship we have. i'm still working on having faith all will work out in the end.
is it just me or are kathy griffin's comedy shows getting shorter and shorter? just when you feel she's getting on a roll, it's over. leaves you so unsatisfied.
i love joan rivers.
i am so happy that my shows are going to be on this summer. top chef, project runway, drop dead diva. finally something i can watch now that ugly betty and lost are over...
i have found a handful of women who i know personally who share in the dreaded depression. it's been comforting to read their struggles with it. it sucks we all have it, but it's so nice to know that i am not alone. that in fact, they sometimes think the same things as me. i hope that we all will find peace someday. the mister and i have been discussing my admittance into yet another mental health clinic. i'm on the fence with it. i just don't know if it will help. plus, i have three babies to take care of now. the last time i was in, it was for four long long months and i only had elise to think of. things are so different now. i hope if find the right answer and soon.
my computer is over heating so i better end. until we meet again, go in peace.
