when you gonna make up your mind?
when you gonna love you as much as i do?
when you gonna make up your mind?
SO, anyone who knows me, knows i hate to take medication. if i could avoid taking it for the rest of my life, i would. but unfortunately that's not going to happen.
when i made the decision to go on anti-depressants last fall for my {SAD}, that should have shown you how much i love my kids. i knew i needed to be on something since it was going to just be me taking care of my family. only me to make sure things were running smooth and that people went to appointments, activities etc. i couldn't risk the constant crying or lack of energy. it wasn't so hard a choice really and the knowledge that it wasn't forever, that at the end of winter i could stop taking them made the choice even easier.
and for the first winter in my whole life i felt good. i could function like a normal person. yes, there were days when i just wanted to stay in bed (who hasn't ever felt like that?), but this time i could actually get out of bed and do the things at hand. it was a miracle in my eyes. maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was because i didn't have a single person to fall back on. maybe it was a combination of both. either way, i didn't feel hopeless. like i just wanted to die.
then spring came. i was looking forward to weening myself off my medication and when my prescription ended with no more refills that's exactly what i did. the day after my last pill, it felt like a truck hit me. i couldn't move,i hurt, i was so very tired. i couldn't think and above all, the numbness set in. the not caring about anything or anybody. i didn't want to do one single thing.
and for a week i didn't. my kids were late to school. i was late to work. i slept for 14 hours a day and could have slept for more. i tried my best to pretend that i was fine and happy. that's the worst part of having chronic depression. the "pretending" that everything is okay to avoid the questions of what's wrong. that in reality your hopeless inside.
i couldn't figure out what was going on. was i sick? was it the change in weather? then one afternoon while i was napping on the couch, i woke up and thought "this is how i used to feel." before the anti-depressants this is how i always felt. i then realized it was no wonder i was so miserable all the time because i felt miserable all.the.time.
that's when i made the awful decision. when was i going to get over having to take drugs to help myself feel better? why did it bother me? when was i going to love myself enough to make up my mind and take care of myself? so i went to my doctor and told him what was happening. and now i'm back on the med's and i'm feeling like myself again. yes, it's the drugs that are making me feel like "myself " but you know, i went through my whole life wanting to die and hating myself. and then i went a whole winter feeling alive and capable of handling anything that came my way with medication. to me, i have found that i'll take the med's and love life over my old self any day.
