SO, today has been spent driving. there's nothing like driving by yourself that gets you thinking. i was remembering back through all the years of winters and where i stood with my SAD. before moving i had the delusion that it would magically go away because the sun shined nearly every day in my new home town. but i was wrong. i found that i still have the mind "fog", exhaustion and crying episodes. i was even surprised to still have the extreme grumpiness. while i have been going through this since mid-october the severity of these symptoms have been toned down. i've been grateful that my days appear brighter and it made me wonder why this year seemed better than all the other years combined. i know that taking medication has helped but i don't believe that that has been the major source. i think this time around i am much more self aware. i have put in a huge effort to pull myself into a positive attitude. which is a feat in itself for those of you who know me. exercise has also played a huge roll in controlling my SAD. the days i don't work out are horrible, tiring, crying days. when i do work out, i'm still tired but i have enough of the energy i need to make it to dinner time with no crying to speak of. i therefore exercise as much as i can because i truly despise crying.
routine has also become very important in my winter days. i have to get everything accomplished by dusk, otherwise you can forget having a nice mother. i become really mean at night when i still have chores to do. i get just so tired it hurts sometimes. this makes it difficult when the sun disappears by 4:45pm and you still need to feed your kids and put them to bed. but having a strategic plan helps me get all the important things done before dark and then i can be on autopilot the rest of the night.
but i've also found this new place, this new house has helped me too. it's strange to say but i feel like i can breathe here. the sky seems larger, my house feels airier. when i lived on the east coast i just felt smothered. like everything was falling in on me and i couldn't push it away. i don't miss my old home in the least because of that.
i've also made incredible friends in the short time i've lived here. friends that i've craved and haven't had for many many years. most of the friends i have don't live near me. and they are people i truly look up to. i feel they are so much better then me in so many ways and i don't understand a lot of the time why they are friends with me. don't get me wrong, i cherish these friendships. they keep me on my toes and help me to be more clever and better. but sometimes i feel like i just can't relax. i have to try so hard to be as cool as them that it's exhausting. these new friends i've met make me feel on par with them. i don't have to work at being awesome and i can just be the idiot, goofy girl that i usually am. they are so much like me that they already know what i need before i have to ask. you have no idea how comforting that is. i've missed having a friend i can hang out with everyday . i love that my kids get on so well with their kids that we never have to break up bickering or fighting. i love feeling relaxed in their home even from the first day i went in. and i love that i willingly want them to come over to my house. i forgot how much friendships affect your attitude.
above all, i think i've made it this far without to many crying fits because of my new found confidence. this summer was the best thing that ever happened to me. i found that i was so much stronger than i ever thought possible. it made me realize that i CAN indeed do pretty much anything i put my mind to. that in itself has pulled me through my foggy, tired days. i now only need to treat the physical symptoms of SAD. the mental, depressed, self hating mind is gone. dealing with SAD is much more bearable knowing that i'm strong enough to fight it.
while i was thinking through all this, i wished that i could have learned this long ago. i have spent so many years in spiteful solitude. i've distanced myself from everyone and spiraled down a black scary hole during this time of year. if only i could have known how strong of a person i am. believed that it was worth taking care of myself. that i was worth being happy. i cringe at all the days and events i've missed because of the distance i put myself in. i don't ever want to miss another day of living again. i can only hope that that old life died away and i'm beginning a new life now. one where i find myself strong and making myself proud of the accomplished days i've experienced. my hope and strength is what will get me to the end of this winter.
