SO, before i get to my real post i first must mention several occurrences in my household that i find frustrating/annoying/creepy.
first: wesley has this stupid lizard that is stretchable and full of stuff used for bean bags. he absolutely loves it. i hate it. he swings it around, it hits furniture, breakable objects and me. i've hid it saying that it's magically disappeared. i've taken it away when he's hit people but somehow it always ends up back on the kitchen floor for me to step on. every time. i don't know how it's found or how it makes it to the kitchen but every day, at several random times, i step on it. i think it's just going to have to make it's way magically to the trash can.
second: i think that i have vacuumed up the same wolf spider four times in the past few days. i have a feeling that every time it's vacuumed up, it's found it's way out and which in turn makes me find it and once again it's vacuumed up. i keep hoping that it'll die. maybe the next time i find it, it will. otherwise, i might die of fright at the fact that i have a colony of wolf spiders in my house!
third: my son won't let me leave his sight. if i go upstairs for something, he will scramble up the stairs to find me. if my door is closed, he will frantically bang on it until it's opened. i can't go to the bathroom alone, take a bath alone (seriously, he waits outside the door and periodically opens it and asks "you okay?") i can't make a meal alone, clean alone or sleep alone. i have to continue to get up over and over in the middle of the night to put him back in his own bed for him to turn around within a half hour to come sleep back in my bed. it has unfortunately driven me to the very edge of sanity. you've got to get over this separation anxiety kid. i realize that you're traumatized with your dad leaving but really, you need to give me a little wiggle room. other wise you might really have some anxiety of both parents bolting.
okay, so on to the real reason for this post. i have done something so wrong that i'm afraid you will all frown upon me and point your finger to shame me.
before the mister left i allowed him to buy me a {very fancy, very expensive camera.} one that i have been eying for over three years now. costco was having an unbelievable sale on it that included a storage bag, memory card and additional zoom lens to the lens that already came with it. so when the mister offered to get it, i didn't say no. which is were the guilt and shame comes in. we certainly, without a doubt can not afford it. every time i look at it, i feel uncomfortable at the fact that i allowed myself to purchase it. yet, i am so selfish that i am in no way about to take it back. so that's my dilemma. i don't even want to tell people i have it because i'm afraid that they are going to think "she says they are poor and yet she has money for a camera like that?" maybe it's because that's what i'm thinking all.the.time. oh, and that we don't have the money for it.....
what else makes me utterly guilty is that i don't have as much time as i'd like to mess around with it and take some great pictures. so i also feel horrible that i'm not using it as much as i should. i guess like trying to get my money's worth. so i'm coming clean. i have a really expensive camera that was totally not necessary, that we are paying for now (in really scrimping on everyday things) and that makes me feel horribly uncomfortable to have.
now, if you see me out and about with this camera, you know the situation. you know that i already feel bad enough in having it and selfish enough to keep it and that i am going to use it without abandonment. proceed with the judging....
