SO, the other day was just terrible.
i weighed myself.
and it sent me in a tail spin.
i usually don't weigh myself for this very reason. i go by how my clothes feel. if they are getting snug, i exercise more. if they feel loose, i eat more. (not really. i usually thrive on my clothes being loose and i don't exercise as much.)
i don't know why i made the decision to it but it sent me spiraling downward toward a very rocky bottom. i hate days like that. days where you snap at your kids, you avoid food at all costs, you cry in hysterics.
what? you say you don't have days like that? well, then you are lucky.
the last time i was back in rehab i was living in england. i was the only patient at the time (apparently english women don't have eating disorders) and i had a nurse on watch 24 hours a day. they ate meals with me, sat outside my door when i slept, watched television with me, shopped with me, played games with me. and while at the beginning i absolutely HATED having someone following me, getting my razor for me because i couldn't keep it in my room, NEVER LEAVING ME ALONE, these nurses started to become my friends. they were my strength on days like i described above. it couldn't have been anyone in my family or my husband. it had to be an outside force away from any emotional connection with my previous life. i learned to rely on those nurses. they helped me to eat, nourish myself and learn to love me again. when i left, i was left to my own devices.
i wish sometimes that i had a nurse by my side again. because in reality, i need my eating disorder to function in my life. i need the daily routine of eating certain foods, eating it in a certain way and exercising for a certain length of time. i am a million times better now then i have ever been in my life, but i still keep it stucked away in myself. it's always there and i believe it will never go away. much to my unfortunate delight.
a couple weeks ago many bloggers were going on about sharing the "realness" within themselves. things they rarely like others to see because they are either embarrassed or ashamed. and while this is my realness, i don't think it should make me who i am. i think women should be real with each other so that we can be each others nurses. someone to help get over weakness, struggles, emotions. i feel like this life is meant to better ourselves. at least that is what i strive to do. i'm always wanting to learn, to become a better mom, friend, person. maybe that's the perfectionist in me. but what is wrong with bettering yourself? these women all say this is my real. okay, fine. but just because that is your real doesn't necessarily mean it's good for your soul. what can you do to change it? like myself, while i will always want my eating disorder, it doesn't mean it's healthy for me. i shouldn't just give in and say "this is me being real. everyone else needs to deal with it." don't get me wrong, i understand that most of these women aren't talking like that. but i have met many people in my life who have said that. i think people just don't always want to put the work into being better. that's being human after all.
yesterday, when i was having {family home evening} with my kids, we were learning about prayer. that you can talk with God about anything. even if you had a good day with humorous events, tell God. prayer shouldn't always be to bless the food or ask for something. it should be an ongoing conversation of your daily life. you should think of Him as you would your friend. because, he should be our friend. i used to do that when i was little. i would talk to him about my dreams, hopes, desires of how i wanted my life to turn out. i also relied heavily on Him during the dark days of my childhood. and he did listen. and he did comfort.
but now i'm an adult. my life is busy and i forget that He is there. He could be that nurse beside me helping me with bad days. He could be the one to vent to when my kids are driving me nuts (which have been most days recently). He could also be the one to tell of the little moments of hope i feel in my heart. if i'd only let Him. it's me that falls short, not Him. He's just waiting to make me a better person. i'm sure some of you are rolling your eyes right about now, but for me this is true.
