balloons, balloons and a happy birthday...

my girl growing up...

pregnant with michelle one week before she was born

Sunday was michelle's 4th birthday. i hardly believe she is that old already. it seems in that four year time i have not had the time to properly spend with her. bonny had asked me if i had a pregnancy that was the worst. at first i had said wesley's pregnancy was the worst. but after some more thought i believe michelle's was by far. i may have been on bed rest in the hospital for nearly two months with wesley, but i felt great. while with michelle i think i was the closest to feeling death. i have never felt before or since the lack of life i experienced with her. after two amniocenteses declaring her not ready to be born by the third i was begging and pleading for her to be. the 34th week found i couldn't handle being pregnant any more and after losing 20 pounds and weighing in at only 98 pounds the doctors finally agreed. so michelle was born on august 23 at 8 in the morning. this was the first and only birth the mister was able to attend. my poor guy had a rude awakening to me yelling at him to wake up and get the nurse because michelle's head was almost out. then the scrambling of nurses yelling at me to not push (like i had a choice) and the mister just saying over and over "oh my gosh. oh my gosh." while i pushed two times and she was out. after 8 months of terrible pregnancy it better have been the easiest birth.

my first holding

michelle was a whopping 4.5 pounds and they whisked her away to the NICU. i was exhausted and could'nt keep my eyes open. it was finally over and i couldn't even worry enough to see if she was okay i was so tired. after a short nap, the nurses brought her back in to me declaring that she was good and healthy and that she would stay with me. but after the mister and i held her i knew something was wrong. i asked one of the nurses to look at her again. she did and found michelle was struggling to breath. they again whisked her away to the NICU where she lived at for a week. that was my first experience with such a scary, heartbreaking place. it's hard to see your child attached to so many tubes and wires. it's unbearably hard to not hold them when they are crying. i'm grateful that she was only there to learn how to breathe. the doctors and nurses that work in the NICU are absolute angels in my eyes.

nearly done, almost time to go home from the NICU

while she was there, i tried to nurse michelle. she was so small and she made it very difficult. i thought long and hard but in the end i made the final decision that she would get breast milk no matter what. so, i pumped every 3 hours day and night for a full 8 months. i had so much milk saved up in the freezer that i'm proud to say that she was breastfed a full twelve months. even if now i see that i was completely insane for doing it.

finally home!

birthday cake topping... yellow flowers

michelle awoke to 100 balloons on her bedroom ceiling

michelle is a total spit fire. i can't control her. as my mother smugly tells me every time she visits, "she is EXACTLY how are were as a child". hmmm, wonderful. but i love her laugh, her smile and her imagination. she makes up some of the best stories and play that i am never not entertained. i worry about being her mom. i worry that i won't be enough for her. but i am willing to do whatever it takes to bring out the best in her. happy birthday my dearest girl. i love you so much. even if you drive me crazy most of the time.... :)

all ready for her birthday...