SO, it really is amazing to me that it has been nearly one year since {THIS} happened. though it seems like such a long time ago, the feelings of the incident haven't changed. this one event changed the way i act toward people. i have learned to keep EVERYONE at arms length, my children included. that's one thing i've struggled to recover from. i don't want to be so distant with my babies but i know my heart could not heal from yet another bruise. everyone else will forever be kept at a safe distance for me to handle.
i have no hate or anger from what happened. only a hollow sadness in my chest. i've tried to move on, to forgive and forget but i know now that won't happen. it will always stay with me deep down inside. maybe it's because i've had a hard time forgiving myself, or maybe it's because i truly trusted this person with all my heart. either way, it's there.
as horrible of a time that was, it did impact me to strive harder than ever to become a better person. to be determined to become happier, to love my kids more (even if it is from a distance), and to become healthier. and for the most part i think i've done a pretty darn good job. this year's winter, though it has zapped me of energy, has not left me in despair or with crying fits. that is a huge step in the right direction. i've taken care of myself, exercised and rested. and i've found myself on a winter's afternoon enjoying the sunlight. something i would have never done in the past. i've become so much more aware of my days, just trying to appreciate it.
