SO, i've been at a loss for words lately. it seems that the flu has wiped me of my mojo. i can't seem to function let alone do anything. i'm so very slowly been getting back to my routine and finding myself quite depressed. it's been a time coming really. i've suffered from depression for most of my life, in some cases having to be hospitalized because of it. i don't take medication for it. i don't like the way it makes me feel, i'm just way to happy on those kinds of drugs and that doesn't suit me. i'm much more comfortable in my pessimistic self. because of that, i heavily rely on my faith to help me through. but recently things have been upsetting me. i get into a reminiscent mind now and again of how i USED to be. how i used to be a wonderful piano player (now i can barely play). i used to write stories and paint and be oh so creative. my room was my creative outlet as a child and i would use it to it's fullest. i was in theater, didn't care how people saw me and hung out with people far to hyper for me. at the time i was secretly miserable, but i was at my creative peak.
now, over all i'm happy and blessed in my life. i have an incredible husband who is so very supportive of anything i do in this life. i have three babies that no doctor ever said i would be able to have. we are secure in a job, in a lovely home and have a fantastic ward. so, how can looking back at a time when i was miserable make me so very sad now? i miss my creative life. i've become a mom, and in my mind i just don't have time to do all the things i would like to do. i want to learn to sew, to paint again, to write again, to spend hours cooking/baking again. but when would i find the time? i barely have time to keep up with this blog. plus, my creative juices have seemed to have dried up. i can't think of anything that i can do now. and if i did find the time to do something, would i have the strength or creative force to do it? reading other people's blogs only aggravate the situation when i see these people putting together gatherings, parties, and doing art projects. are they on CRACK? i know that there are 24 usable hours in every day, but i need 12 of those to sleep and 12 to hold, wipe, clean, feed and entertain children. how the heck do they do it?
well, today was a particularly rough morning, but on mornings like this my heavenly father always finds a way to teach me a lesson. today he sent me a sweet spirit to help me feel better. it made me choke up (yes, i'm still emotional). i will share it with you as well.
it helped me know that my life won't always be like this. that i would be able to keep my home clean, paint, cook and take care of my children all at the same time, someday. but not right now. right now, my babies need me and if all i can do it blog then so be it. i will enjoy them now, just like i will enjoy my creative life later. i can still do simple creative little things everyday, just not the kind of things i would think of. just finding ways to keep children entertained can be creative enough. just not my kind of CREATIVE. my time will come to flourish, it just takes small, memorable, ENJOYABLE steps to get there.
