SO, when i decided to start my other blog, i didn't really know for sure what i wanted to make of it. but it eventually evolved into entries of old journals and then entries of how my life is different or the same now. it's been an interesting journey to say the least. what i've had the hardest time getting through isn't the past entries i found of the self loathing, complaining, whining, the ways that i could kill myself, the specific funeral plans or post-death letters to family members. i'm pretty used to reading those, no the hardest thing is that fact that i don't remember writing them.
they're in my hand writing and i know that i wrote them, but when, where or what was going on in my life at that time, i have absolutely no recollection. just the other night i came across this entry...
January 14, 2007
it's such a shame a year has gone by and i refrained from allowing myself to remember it. i would rush through each day hoping for the next day to be better and it never being so.
i hate this feeling of agitation and the feeling of calm of being alone. i wish i could be this relaxed, layed back person i want to be. the person in my head is such a different version of who i am on the outside. i don't like who i am and the difficulty to change is impossible. back in england i felt my life a little in control and the glimmer of hope seen in my life and a promising outlook of becoming better was appealing. but since moving here and having michelle, my life seems more out of control then it ever has been in my whole life. if i could just get it together, wake up at a decent hour and take care of my children. stop wasting such time on useless objectives. i can't keep promising tomorrow will be better when i very well know it won't. nothing seems to ever get better because i don't change to make it better. i wish i wasn't so afraid to let myself be happy. there isn't really one thing in my life that isn't wonderful and there isn't anything more i want that would make me any happier. so if all i need, is all i have, why am i not happy? why do i not enjoy my family? why do i not enjoy my house, my room--such a haven for quiet and peace. i need to search my soul and find the peace within myself to calm this storm in my heart. i need to fill the hole in my heart with my family life around me.
i miss my life. i miss me when i was younger. that seemed the best time of my spirit. my most individual and reliant upon Heavenly Father. i saw my future and knew what i wanted. i was happy . the only thing was, my future was not this. it's been hard to sit and truly think and write and feel. it brings to light such feeling of agony i'd rather not feel. but not feeling will never help me get better. and sometimes i feel it would be nice to be better. to go a day without any depression or self-loathing. allowing music, art and photo's back into my life. to have quiet and peace in my home, and most importantly in my soul. it's so easy to be organized and happy when i'm all alone and just taking care of myself. i fall apart having 3 other people to take care of. i just feel i'll fall apart most days. i hide in my errands, and live in my land of denial. i'm certainly a product of my family-life. we all have our ways of coping...
i have no idea when i wrote that. it's strange to see my handwriting and not remember. so much of what i wrote still applies to me now, yet so much has changed. i have found that within this past year, i have given up trying to pretend to be happy all the time. i'm quite unforgiving now in the fact that some days i can't get out of bed or that i have massive crying fits in the bedroom. it's been freeing in a way to say that "winter time is the hardest on me and i can be an absolute raging hormonal snot and i'm sorry but it's for your own good i'm avoiding the world." and allowing myself to be in my misery has in a way made me a bit happier. i know it sounds strange to say. i'm pretty crazy so maybe most of this won't make sense to the rest of the world. but what if it isn't? what if there are others who at one time or another felt this way too? and why are they not saying anything either? is it because they will think that they aren't good enough or that they don't have a strong relationship with their Heavenly Father? because for a time i certainly felt that way. i now know that isn't true. i have a continuous relationship with my Savior and it still doesn't change the way i feel...
i have found that creating this blog has been my biggest saving grace for me. having the challenge to post something everyday has made me slow down in my life, to find the beautiful, funny or ironic thing. it's allowed me to take pictures again and be creative. i'm quite grateful for that. there's no real point to this post, i just wanted to acknowledge the fact that i want to stop rushing through my days hoping to just make it through. i WANT to remember my life. so much of it has been stuffed away in the back of my brain and replaced with obessive cleaning, manic organization or eating regimen. i'm choosing to live outside the land of denial. maybe not all the time, but trying to....
